If you are questioning whether he is still in love with his ex, especially if you met shortly after their break-up, the likely answer is probably. Before you get upset and end things, keep in mind that anyone who has had a long-term relationship that suddenly ends, will hold feelings for a while. He may say he is over it, that the relationship ended long before they broke up, or he hated her, but this is rarely accurate. He says these types of things to keep insecurity in check. Just because he is thinking about his ex, does not mean he does not want a relationship with you or love you. It does not even mean that he wants to get back together with his ex. It is impossible just to stop loving someone, even after moving on.
Perhaps the more important question a new person can ask of her man is whether he is in love with his ex and not yet over her. This last half is the most important to understand. Below are a few signs that mean he is not over his ex and there may be a need for concern.
- Her Stuff – If her stuff is packed in boxes lining the hallway, there is no need to worry, but if things are still out in the open then he has not yet processed the break-up. This is not necessarily a bad thing because it takes time to mourn the loss of a relationship, but it does mean he still misses her.
- Revisiting Memories – If he keeps bringing up things they did together and how much fun it was, then there could be a problem. If it happens by accident and only occasionally, no worries, but if it is a common occurrence then it is a sign he is not over her yet.
- He Does the Right Things – If you have just entered the relationship and he seems to be doing everything right, then he is likely playing a role. He may treat you as a girlfriend, but still feel like he is not one hundred percent present. If this is the case, he is probably using you as a replacement for his ex and you are little more than a place holder. This is a painful realization, but happens often.
- Jealous – If he still gets upset when his ex is dating someone new then he is not over her. If this jealousy lasts for a week or more, then he is not ready to move on.
- Talks to His Ex – While not all contact needs to be stopped with an ex, the amount of time spent talking and why he is talking is important to determining if he is over her. A daily text to the mother of his children to check up on them is not unexpected, but daily contact with an ex in another city and occasional meet-ups are a sign he is not over her. If he lies about contact, a bigger problem exists.
- Comparisons – If he compares you to her it is painful and it means he is not over her yet. Tell him you are hurt when he does this because he may not realize it.
- No Family/Friends – If you have been dating a while and have not yet met his family and friends, then he may not be ready to commit.
If he is not over his ex, there is no reason to panic. Give it time, but do not settle for friends with benefits situation. If he is not improving, find someone new.